I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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