we should wear snuggies to the strip club
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
