I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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