She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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