what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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