I skipped work to stalk him.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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