a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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