3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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