I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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