haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
