Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
love makes seman taste better
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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