It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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