We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
