Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We left the knife in your bed.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
