WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
