I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
