her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
