If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
