I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
