Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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