he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
