We won't sleep together?
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
