i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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