Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
