Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ ðŸ‘ðŸ¼
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
