Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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