Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
