SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
