omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
