i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
