we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
