Sponge bath it is.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
