I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
