Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
