I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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