every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
