just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize