I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Less talking, more tequila
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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