How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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