my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
