Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
