Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
