It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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