i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
