I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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