I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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