im drinking this country out of the recession.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We smell like vodka and hangover
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