that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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