Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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