Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
