shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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