i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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